Author: tobiemabesmith

I have just been contemplating the many ways that our society seeks to separate us and how detrimental the practice is to us as a community. We were created for community. Even scripture tells us that God made us male and female and that woman was actually taken from man. The segregation was our idea, not His.  In society, we are separated by age, sex, by race, by socioeconomic level, by education level, and even the church separates us by” the church and the world”.

I would like to encourage you to look at how we are the same rather than how we are different and how we can come together rather than to remain apart. Now, even God did not make us into “cookie-cutter people” nor does He want that.  I believe that He enjoys our uniqueness but He never intended for us to use it to separate us. When we view it as us and them, we not only divide but have a tendency to determine worth. Women are smarter/weaker/fill in the blank than men or one race is more likely to commit crime/live on government assistance/have children outside of marriage than another. Socioeconomic differences also cause us to determine worth when often lack of finances has nothing to do with either worth and value or intelligence. Each generation struggles with the younger one and the younger often thinks the older knows nothing at all.

How about the education piece? Well, definitely those with more degrees and letters behind their names are smarter and more valuable than those who don’t possess that. It is just not true. Tell that to the person who has a Master’s degree and works at McDonald’s when he is communicating with a plumber who runs his own business.  So why do we insist on classification? It is human nature. If I can meet a certain standard and you do not, well I must be better than you. But what if it is just not true? What if different is just different and not better or worse?

Then there is the church, which should be known by our love. Is love the banner under which we operate as we consider and encounter those “in the world”? Now, I am not encouraging anyone to go against what they know is true or to ignore what they see as contrary to godliness but I am encouraging people to stop differentiating and start opening their minds. We are all people, young and old, men and women, all nationalities, all economic and education levels and Christian and non-Christian and we all have those among us who are good and bad, intelligent and not so much, loving and mean, caring and selfish. I would like to encourage you to look around this week and find someone who appears different from you and take a chance to get to know them. You may find there are more similarities than there are differences and you may even find the differences interesting and challenging. The older I get and the more people that I meet, the more I see how much alike we are rather than how different. 

Today a lot of people are all about organic things, such as: organic foods, organic cosmetics, and other organic substances but I would like us to consider organic relationships. What are they and how do we go about them? Organic relationships develop naturally without manipulation or pursuit. Now, I would never advocate complacency or passivity but sometimes we need to just allow relationships to develop without pushing or controlling them.

Organic relationships develop and progress naturally. I am not saying that you don’t have to make an effort. All good relationships require that we spend time together, encourage and support one another and sometimes step out of our comfort zone in order to be there for the other person. This can be anywhere from inconveniencing ourselves for the other’s benefit to letting that person know that we are glad that we have them in our lives and we want them to know that we are in their corner.

There is a difference, however, in an organic relationship and in one that we must manipulate in order to benefit from the relationship or to keep it going when it would otherwise fall apart. Organic relationships are those in which two people find that their lives are better because of having the other person in their lives. Yes, that sounds selfish but if a relationship is mutually beneficial then the needs of both people are met and a relationship blossoms like a flower. All relationships have times where one person’s needs are put ahead of another, such as when one person is struggling and the other has to sacrifice in order to help the other or when one person just doesn’t have what it takes to be there for a bit and the friend just understands that this is a temporary situation. These occasions should not be the normal, however, or you have a one-sided relationship.

Organic relationships should grow and develop. If a relationship in your life is stagnant then it just may be that the organic path of that relationship has led you to examine if there is still a real relationship there or if this person has become an acquaintance. Organic relationships do, at times, cease to grow and that is ok too because it is the natural course and not all relationships are forever.

 

What Happens When Your Journey Seems to Take a Detour?

Have you ever felt like you were headed in a direction with determination, knowledge and preparation only to find an unanticipated turn in the road?  I, for one, hate detours!!! I like to be able to head in a direction, see where I am going and put the pedal to the metal. I am not one of those who readily accepts that it could be more about the journey than the destination. So what do we do with this when it happens? It can happen to the best laid plans. Even those plans that have come to fruition after much preparation and much courage to take the leap and “Just Do It!”, can fall flat. 

We have all heard, “When life brings you lemons, make lemonade”, but what about when life stops you dead in your tracks and says, “Take a different road”, and it is a road which seems to lead you away from your destination. What do you do then and where do you deposit the disappointment?  God rarely takes us down the easiest and most direct path. His ways are higher than ours, states the scripture. However, sometimes it seems God has taken leave of His senses, even though we know that He has not. He is not a man that He should lie and He never calls us to anything and then takes it back. He does, however, often use a path that seems convoluted and tedious to get us to where we are going.

If you find yourself in the middle of a strange road or seemingly doubling back to an old place, trust Him. He does not say we should ignore our disappointment but He does tell us not to complain and grumble. We know how well that worked out for the Israelites, who turned an eleven day journey into forty years due, at least in part, to their complaining. I have found that we can go to Him, however, with our disappointment and be honest about how hurt, confused and even angry that we are and how we wish that He had not taken us this way. He can handle it. He not only handles it, He comforts us and gives us peace.

It is easy to begin to move toward your goal! Some of you are ready to stone me for that remark but it is true. The start is easy. Once you find the motivation to change or take on some challenge, beginning is the easy part. The Bible tells us that the end of a thing is better than the beginning and that is because, the end only comes if you make it through the middle part. Many people begin a thing but few actually finish it to completion. If you don’t believe me, consider when you sign up for a class or classes. Most of the time the number of students at the beginning far exceeds the number at the end. How many began degree programs only to drop out in disappointment. Gyms and health clubs are also a good example. In January the parking lots and machines are full of motivated people,  ready to lose weight and get in shape but by February or March it is a different story. Also, dating relationships or especially marriage which begin with excitement and desire but often end due to loss of motivation and interest.

Well what happens? Are we that fickle in our choosing to begin something, only to find that we later have lost interest or were we just wrong to choose that thing or person to begin with? The answer is sometimes yes but often no. We begin with good intentions and often after much thought and prayer to move into a direction or relationship only to find that the uphill climb is too much for us. I want to leave you with a piece of wisdom which it has taken me many years to settle upon, “Every good thing in life will be incredibly hard!”. Nothing good will come into your life without struggle. Sometimes the struggle proves to be too much for us and causes us to give up but sometimes the struggle is an important element in the journey. I know, I hate that too but it is true. 

Those who know me know that I embarked upon a career/life change in 2011 to return to school to obtain a Master’s degree and become a licensed professional counselor. I believed at that time that if I could just graduate everything would come together as I truly believed I had determined my destiny. I felt peace about my decision although I knew that it was literally jumping off of a cliff in faith. I was too old to be embarking upon a new career; had no backup (as a single person); was in the latter years of raising my daughter as she was finishing high school; had no real connection between career one and this new career so I would have to literally start at the bottom; was not independently wealthy or looking to a trust fund to carry me. Nevertheless, I jumped!

School was a challenge, to say the least. Age was a factor, distance learning was a factor, working full time was a factor, one year of practicum and internship while working full time was a factor and additional challenges that seemed to freakishly come out of nowhere. In December, 2015 my degree was conferred and by January it was hanging on my wall. I had been led to believe that the agency with which I had spent the last year of my life interning was interested in having me come on with them permanently only to be disappointed right before graduation. Step two was the North Carolina licensing process, which can I just say is not for the faint of heart. I am still convinced that satan himself designed this process. There is the test, which is worse than the LSAT and MCAT put together and harder to get scheduled for than a meeting with the Pope. Oh and don’t get me started about the licensing process itself which is administered by a handful of very challenging and apparently challenged people at CCE in Greensboro and NBCC which is across the hall from CCE but they do not talk to each other unless I pay them additional money at every turn and push them by calling, emailing and snail mail until I put myself on their, Do Not Let in the Building list. Oh yes and professional liability insurance in case one of those wonderful clients decides to sue you because they don’t like how you carefully, ethically and thoughtfully handled them.

After losing my mind for four months and living on my credit cards and part time job, I finally got a license in April, 2016 and signed a lease for an office the same day. Now I call it an office but it was really a small office type space in a warehouse which was not known for its heating and air conditioning system but was known for its granddaddy long legs spider infestation. However, I had a license and an office, what could stop me from becoming the counselor to serve the underserved population of the middle class, who do not qualify for medicaid benefits nor can they afford the expense of counseling at regular rates so I charged half of the regular rates. I began the challenge of marketing myself by building a website, creating a Google ad, creating a profile andsigning up for Psychology Today’s website for advertising and hitting the area with brochures and cards (which I created).

I prayed, networked and envisioned clients waiting in my make shift waiting area. No one prepared me for the fact that helping people can put you in the poor house. People cancel at the last minute and don’t want to pay, people don’t come during holiday seasons, people want you to see them when they are in crisis but not regularly enough to pay your bills. Another factor that I became privy to once I began my business in one of the largest counties in North Carolina is that it also has the biggest population of counselors in the State and competition is fierce. I began applying for jobs with agencies and companies only to find the most unprofessional and rude “colleagues ” imaginable. Herding cats would be a cinch in comparison. Every interview I received left me scratching my head and one of typically 50+ applicants for each job. So I have turned my sites to becoming licensed in South Carolina since I am within walking distance of the border. I won’t share the equally frustrating process there which also includes the evil twins of CCE and NBCC. Let’s just say, it is the middle that almost kills you.

I hesitate to be this transparent but again, those that know me know this is part of my charm. Where does this leave me, in the middle!?! I interviewed for a lovely position last week, which will include a move closer to sand and surf which has always been a dream and goal and today I am waiting to hear back and yes I followed up. I heard two fabulous sermons last week about being in the middle and I know the end will be worth it but the middle is excruciatingly painful for everyone. If you find yourself there, don’t give up if it is something you really want and know that it is part of your destiny and drop me a comment. Pray for me and I will pray for you!

There is a lie which has been propagated for years that children should be seen but not heard. Before you shout me down, I am not speaking of today’s generation of kids which have often been left to their own devices to control their lives and often those of the entire household. This is something of a swing which has happened as a result of many of their parents being raised as the “children should be seen and not heard ” generation. This writing is not about parenting but the idea.

This concept has often been incorporated into the church with regard to women. Which is one of the reasons lots of young women are rejecting organized religion or living under the lie that it is their place to just be quiet and raise their children while allowing and expecting their husbands to lead in everything and suffering in silence. Now I am not speaking of all churches because there are churches where this lie is being dispelled but it is still too prevalent and families are suffering because of it.

In our world today women are fed up and they are rebelling against Christianity because of this very lie. There are those leaders, such as, John and Lisa Bevere and John and Stacie Eldredge and others who are coming out in defense of Jesus, the great equalizer, among the sexes. Now I am not admonishing women to rebellion but I am admonishing them speak up. God has given you a voice for a purpose and it is time to be seen and heard.

He would not have given us a voice if we were not to use it. I believe it is the desire of every woman to be seen and heard by God, their families, children, friends, coworkers, and community. God gave us a voice to speak wisdom and insight to our husbands, children, and all of those under our influence. Now I am not saying that men do not have wisdom and insight but, as women, our wisdom and insight is unique. Women tend to be much more intuitive than do men and we are normally more relational so we have unique prospective that they need.

We can be gentle and kind and speak up and share our feelings.  We can be loving and still share our needs. We can speak up against abuse and bullying and still be honoring and submitted to those in authority over us. It is not an either or proposition and we are not called to be doormats for our husbands, children, coworkers, friends or families. God has positioned you wherever you find yourself with a voice to be both seen and heard. Pray for wisdom and discernment (He honors and answers this prayer) and speak up. The world needs to hear what you have to say.

All of us have disappointments in our life but we are seldom prepared for them nor handle them well. We can choose to never dream or take a risk and then we will remain in a bubble of  “safety” which may just smother us. We were created to venture out of our comfort zone and to go to places to which we have never been.  Our forefathers were explorers and adventurers who took chances and risks and never settled for good enough.

We have somehow lost that adventurous spirit as it is no longer necessary to hunt and gather or conquer new lands but there are some who still choose the road less travelled or to take the risk rather than to “play it safe”. What, however, do they do when they fail or fail to prosper. What does one do when ones plans to take off, leave one in the dirt on the side of the road.

When we venture out and things do not turn out as we have planned or our plans do not seem to prosper as quickly as we had hoped, we become disappointed and are faced with one of two choices. We can give up and return to the sickening “safety” of the mundane or we can brush ourselves off and keep at it. The Bible says, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. ” We will all face disappointments in life but the key is to dust yourself off, regroup and go ahead again.

You are not alone. Many famous people have failed numerous times before reaching their goals of success. Disappointment can be overwhelming but “we have only failed when we have failed to try”. If you have suffered a disappointment, sit with the sadness but for just a bit. Do not allow yourself to wallow in self pity. Give yourself a time limit to grieve the loss or failure and then “get up and get back on the horse”. Disappointment is part of the human experience but it does not have to be the end of anything only a chance to tweak and try again. Let go of the sense of failure or loss and move forward. You will never regret trying again.

Do you have any toxic people in your life? How do you recognize if your relationship is toxic? We all sometimes hurt the people that we love but is it habitual or just something that happens sometimes after a bad day, fluctuations in hormones or unintentionally. If someone hurts us, do they take responsibility for their actions or make excuses? Do they apologize or turn the blame to someone else, even to the person who has been hurt? Are you in a relationship where you constantly feel out of balance or on guard?

If several of these things sound too familiar, you may be in a relationship with a toxic person. Toxic people rarely take responsibility for their actions even when directly confronted. If you tell a toxic person that they have hurt you, they will often blame you or try to make you doubt yourself and your perception. Apologies are not always easy but you will sometimes hear an apology from everyone with whom you are in relationship unless they are toxic and then rarely, if ever. If they say the words, they will not appear genuine. When you confront a toxic person with anything which they see as negative against them, they will become very defensive or accusatory. 

People can be toxic relationally because of mental or emotional damage, substance abuse or personality or character flaws. You will often hear terms such as self-centered, narcissistic, abusive, controlling, manipulative and aggressive used to describe a toxic person but they may also be verbally and physically abusive or may bully you either physically or emotionally. You will recognize if you find yourself in those relationships by the “kicked in the gut” feeling that often follows an encounter with a toxic person.

So is it possible to remain in a relationship with a toxic person and do you want to? If you recognize you are in a relationship with a toxic person, telling them that they are toxic probably will not help but confrontation of behavior sometimes does. If you want to remain in the relationship, strong, non-negotiable boundaries are required. You will need to establish strong boundaries based upon your needs and the limits upon their behavior which you will require in order to continue in relationship. You will need to give clear consequences when boundaries are ignored or infringed upon. You will need to “stick to your guns”. Your no will need to be no and yes be yes, carved in stone, because toxic people are often master manipulators. 

What if you chose not to remain in close relationship with the toxic person? Sometimes you are left with no choice other than to break from the relationship in order to protect your emotional and mental wellbeing. This is difficult but will often be the only boundary that the toxic person understands. They will not like it and will blame you for being a mean, bad or defective person. This is another sign of their toxicity as they fail to take responsibility but blame you solely, for the loss of relationship. If the toxic person has ever been negatively physical with you, do not take chances but insure your safety before cutting off relationship. Make sure you have a support person who understands your fears and concern before you confront the toxic person.

You do not have to remain in relationship with toxic people! Love is not abusive and controlling and we have the freedom to choose with whom we are in relationship. Self-love and respect are our right. You can pray for those who hurt you and forgive them but reconciliation is your choice. Choose people who do not want you to feel “bad” about yourself and who you are and who are willing to take responsibility for their part of the relationship. One-sided relationships are not healthy but codependent. 

What’s Love Got to do With it? Actually, everything! We live in a very divided world right now and love isn’t something that is winning. Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day and many will spend time, money and energy trying to find just the right way to show the one that they love just how special they are. I think Valentine’s day has become a “Hallmark holiday” that retailers have capitalized upon but it does not have to be just that.

What if for tomorrow we try to show love to each other? Just a little extra kindness, gentleness and patience will change your whole day and someone else’s day as well. Someone said, “Love is a verb” and it is true. It costs us nothing to say “I love you” but what actions are we showing to back up our words. Talk is cheap and we love everything from our dog, to our cars, to Mexican food. Now I understand loving your dog, as they can be creatures of unconditional love but they are not people and we often find it harder to love people than our pets. Why is that true? Well I believe it is because our dog will rarely disagree with us, at least not verbally. Why are we finding it so hard to love those with whom we disagree? 

Since when do I have to agree with you on everything in order to love you? Diversity has made our country great and makes strong relationships as well. I rarely find people who are “just like me” but when I do I find them boring. I know what I think and how I feel but I have to care enough about you to get to know you and discover the things that you care about and are important to you. What keeps us away from people who are different from us? One word, FEAR. What are we afraid of? Might we discover new foods, new cultures, new people with families, values, beliefs and passions? I challenge you to celebrate Valentine’s day tomorrow by showing a little love and maybe even reaching out to someone whom you would otherwise find “a little scary” to see if your may find a friend. Jesus said, “Greater love hath no man than to lay down his life for a friend”. Now I am not trying to radicalize you in one day but a day of peace and love would be great. We have had too much hate and too much violence! Let’s celebrate Valentine’s Day by showing love and being love. You might find you enjoy it so much that you keep at it!

Happy New Year and welcome to 2017. I am deeming this the year of Hope. The word and idea of Hope keep continuing to surface in my life these days and I always write about what I am living. The Bible says, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life” in Proverbs 13:12. I meet a lot of people who have lost hope and feel that it is part of my job in this life to “restore hope” to those who come my way, whether they be clients or friends.

When you lose hope, you truly are living in “the dark night of the soul” and it is the worst place to be. I have been there. I remember being newly separated, I couldn’t find a job and I was looking at losing my house to foreclosure. I felt like a total failure and although I had spent many months believing that God would provide for my daughter and myself, we were struggling to keep our head above water. I remember the dark day that I said, out loud, “I give up.” This was not said in surrender to God’s sovereignty but in complete and utter loss of hope. I would like to say that I remember the day that I began to have my hope restored as clearly as this day but I don’t. 

I do remember that hopeless day quoting this scripture in Proverbs out loud in an effort to explain to myself and God just how heartsick I was. Back then I believed that I needed God to restore my hope and that I had no control over whether I was hopeful or not. I have since come to understand that hope deferred is a choice. Will I be hopeful, even when I see no reason to hope or will I defer my hope and live heartsick? We really do have control of our mindset. Many people believe that they have no control over their thoughts but this is just not true. Even in the midst of hopeless circumstances, we can choose to remain hopeful.

I believe faith and hope go hand in hand and it is difficult to have one without the other. The dictionary defines hope as: noun: a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen and verb: want to happen or be the case. Wikipedia says hope is an optimistic attitude of mind based on an expectation of positive outcomes. Hope takes faith to the next level. Faith believes it can happen. Hope expects it to happen. I love the second part of Proverbs 13:12,” …a desire fulfilled is a tree of life”. The tree of life is mentioned in Genesis, Proverbs, and Revelation and inferred in other books as well. It is also symbolic in many other religions as central and significant.

Those of you who know me, know how much I love nature and love how God uses it. If you are struggling with hope, remember it is a choice. You can choose hope and once you see the fulfillment of your hope, it is like a tree of life, connected to earth and reaching toward heaven, displaying life and often fruit, bringing rest and restoration in it’s shade, and a home for many of God’s creatures. Choose to remain in hope. God is faithful to do what He has promised and He loves finding us waiting for the fulfillment of what He has promised to us with hope. Sometimes the world tells us it is hopeless but be one who chooses hope. It will change your mood and attitude and aid in both mental and physical well being. I am hopeful that 2017 will be the year that changes everything for you and for me.

How much time do you spend outside? This may seem a strange question in the middle of December but it is a good question. For many of us, being outside is crucial to us but many others of you think it a chore to go from your car to your house or your car to your office. I want to challenge those of you who think outside is for animals and not for people and inspire those of us who know the serenity of being outside.

I have loved REI’s campaign to Opt Outside on Black Friday but want to encourage you to get outside even in December. I am fortunate to live in the South, where today it is in the 50s and most December days are in the 60s but for those of you already experiencing snow, this may be a challenge. Take a walk or bike ride outside. Whether you stroll around your neighborhood to check out the Christmas lights or get serious on a greenway or park, get out there. Fresh air and nature are essential to well-being in warm weather and in cold. As we give ourselves the opportunity to disconnect from social media and just be, we are energized and refreshed.

A little deep breathing has been shown to clear the lungs, refresh the body and increase the production of serotonin and epinephrine, which promote peace and calm. The exposure to cool or cold conditions increase blood flow to your extremities promoting circulation and increasing overall health. Even if your walk does not increase to an aerobic pace, just increased movement is beneficial but the cool weather allows you to achieve aerobic benefit with less effort. Mental and emotional health is improved when you exercise but even more so if you exercise outside.

This time of year brings lots of treats and eating more calories than you typically consume so the extra exercise will benefit you and avoid weight gain. So bundle up and get out there! Layer clothing, wear a hat or scarf and gloves. Fashionable leggings make great transition clothing from the office to the greenway or park. You will be glad you did! Mentally, emotionally and physically you will be doing good for yourself and the views are still amazing with wildlife and beautiful neighborhoods or countryside.